We met in September and hit it off immediatly. He found tons of ways to show me he was into me and wanted to see more of me... but then I found out his ex of almost three years was still in the picture. She sent me a message via Facebook. Basically they were still trying to work things out but both knew it was mostly over. Still, they were seeing each other.
He didn't back away from me and he was honest about not being able to let her go, but not wanting to lose me. I guess I'd been in similar situations so I could respect his opinion. I stuck around and waited for him to figure things out... November he finally got her out of the picture and December he and I began spending almost every night together. It was clear he was really hurt and not over her yet so I was very patient and understanding with him, allowing him to fully get over her...
(continued)Typical Relationship Question, (Serious) Advice Please?
Does this man have friends of his own that he spends time with? I think he is controlling, and because he uses the ';I'm just hurt and broken';, your nurturing instinct takes over instead of the beware red light that should be flashing. Some people have a need to be in a relationship, to have someone there. He is co dependant and this is unhealthy. I think you need to leave him. After awhile, you are going to grow weary of having to constantly prove yourself, prove your love....you will begin to feel unworthy, not good enough, and maybe even unloved. Find someone who feels lucky to have you but doesn't want to control you. When we think of control, the first thing that comes to mind is a guy who uses controls physically, like with hitting...but this guy is controlling you emotionally and it is a form of abuse. I want to add that most women who are physically abused are in a relationship for months to years before the physical abuse starts. But once they look over the relationship, they realize that the emotional abuse started very early.....and the behavior you are describing matches perfectly. Leave him!!!Typical Relationship Question, (Serious) Advice Please?
I do not agree with the one answer voted as the best answer... i would have appreciated more than one vote...
Maybe i'm crazy for not agreeing with her, but I completely do not. Thanks Report Abuse
being patient and a friend is great, but your not going to win him over. when the lease is up, ask for a commitment or leave.if he wants to use';im scared your gonna hurt me '; line and your saying your willing to commit, then no problem right? push him, it sounds like he isnt going to come around, but you never know.
seems to me his having trust issues and possibly because of something his ex girlfriend did to him.. it happens to guys. It's hard to let things go when you get hurt. We kinda think if one girl did it, then all the rest are gonna do it sometime too. Which is just our minds playing jokes with us. Let him know your different from other girls his dated. That he can trust you with anything.
Well, I have alot to say because I am kinda like in the same boat. It will take time because anything that you do no matter what you are going to be compared to his last girlfriend. Because things that you do that remind him of her is going to go through his head, like you are the one that is cheating on him because that is what she did...or whatever she did to hurt him. Guys act like they are big, bad and tough but they have the same feelings as we do. You need to actually sit him down and really have a heart to heart with him about the way that you feel.
ok.... wel I read everything you put, and Im rly not sure. The best thing you can do is just spend time and such with him. Trust takes a long time to build(but remeber only seconds to shatter). Just build your trust with him, and eventually, he'll open up. Hoped I help....
You can't force him into trusting you. You need to sit him down and tell him/reassure him that you do love him (list the things that you love about him) and how special he makes you feel. But tell him that you have done nothing to earn this lack of trust. His ex did. You are not his ex. He needs to be told that he has to make a decision. To move forward in this relationship he needs to trust you and to stop worrying every time you go out with your friends. He needs to move on with his life and stop talking about how much his ex hurt him. As long as he is keeping her in his life, you can't move in.
Hope that helps.
it seems like you've done everything you can, but i think you're focusing too much on him. let him know how you really feel about everything. not just how much you care about him, but how his reluctance makes you feel and the dilemma you have. maybe fully understanding your side of things will encourage him to make some sort of change faster.
sounds like he needs to deal with his emotions and soon. Tell him you are there for him, tell him you want to be with him, but don't let him walk on you over these issues. Yeah it takes time for someone to get over someone else, and yeah it was a long term relationship, so it will take some time. I mean its July, if he wants you then he'll step up, if not then you know you've done everything you can to make this work
Well, all I can say is, you know this isn't a healthy relaitonship. At some point you're going to want to be with someone who you don't have to constantly reassure that you're not cheating, that you love him, that you're not going to hurt him, etc.
And to be totally honest, it almost sounds like he is using the whole ';Im so scared of being hurt'; line to manipulate you. I had someone do the same thing to me. If a guy is really into a woman, he will put his heart on the line. To me it almost sounds like he's still hung up on his ex (and would probably run to her in a second) but wants to keep you in his back pocket just in case.
I don't know why you are willing to ';wait'; for him to love you back or how you are ok with being his second choice. I think this relationship, based on what you say, is pretty one-sided, and I can tell you from experience that it gets pretty tiring having to constantly reassure someone. At some point, you'll want to be taken care of and adored as well.
Good luck.
Alright, after reading your novel, a few things come to mind:
1) He has very low self-esteem. As soon as you begin to change the pattern of showering him with praise, he freaks out. So, to me, the obvious conclusion would be to constantly change the pattern - do the normal praise thing and then back off for a bit. Change things up with the ways you let him know. He'll figure out that even though the pattern changes, your feelings don't. It may help his confidence in the relationship.
2) Immediate mistake was moving in together - you became the person he relied on not only in a relationship but also to kind of help mend what had been hurt from the previous relationship. So, you're playing ';Miss Fix-It'; in two roles instead of one. Get some guy friends involved here - they need to talk it out with him, and I'm guessing he may be open with them in a different way than he's open with you.
3) Ask him to plan a night out for the two of you... see what he comes up with. If it shows a lot of effort and that he cares, make sure you tell him how much that meant to you. If it shows no effort and leaves you questioning whether he cares, that's a good time to bring up the ';It's things like this that make me question whether or not we can last....'; conversation. Those words always signal the regeneration of feelings or the end of the relationship.
Dear Ms. Lady:
You are such a good lady and woman that any man would be blessed to have you in their life. And like you I am a patient woman.
What I want to tell you is this. Although you love this man, and you suspect that he loves you too, you weren't patient enough. Technically speaking you were his rebound girl. He was/is in no shape to start a healthy relationship, and it is not anything that you personally can do and it is no fault of your own. Thus, his insecurities from his last failed relationship followed to this new one and are festering.
Moving in together, was a matter of convenience-but also detrimental. You can only comfort someone so much before it becomes self-wallowing. I understand what you went through with the leaving notes and then stopping leaving notes.
But what I am going to tell you may hurt a little. You need to sit down with him and tell him that he's killing you and your love for him slowing and painfully. Your letter above has so much pain and tears in it, I feel sorry for you being in this situation. Because after a while, even the most patient women, realize that they have had enough and simply move on ( no yelling, arguing, hurting others) they just simply release. If he loves you the way he should he will at least try to do better by you and try to make it work. (Women know that trying is better than nothing)
In September when you move out, or go back to school or whatever...make sure that you and he are separated. This summer is difficult because you have no place to go. But you can continue to go out with your girls and come home to him. Be the same person that you are (with out throwing it in his face) Don't change who you are.
Love bites, Love sucks, Love's a Vamp
You sound like a really caring woman towards this guy who is clearly unstable in any relationship. First thing you have to ask him is he really over his ex but don't ask if he still loves her because you don't want to know that answer. You've already been giving him a lot of reassurance that you are there for him and you're not going to hurt him so by now he should be secure enough by now to trust you with his feelings and emotions. especially if you guys live with each other. You're definitely working too hard, im a Taurus male and i put in a lot of effort in a relationship but seems it's not being matched. It's in our nature to give more of ourselves and to love unconditionally but there has to become a time where if you're feeling unappreciated, even after communicating your issues, its time to reassess the relationship. But try this. invite him out with your friends - show him who you're hanging out with and get him involved with your activities and ask him to do the same with you. Just do things together and communicate more. Share more about yourself (beliefs, goals, ambitions etc.) and he should reciprocate that back - he should open up more to you %26amp; that's what you want right? not being appreciated or expect something more than he is will to give but for the both of you to get to know each other on an organic and honest level. Love shouldn't be forced, it should be given freely. Don't demand anything from him - it will drive him further away.
Sadly I share a similar story with you and it is July and am exactly where you are now. The advice that I have been getting from people around is that let him go because no matter what you do and how good and understanding you are to him ';he is just not into you'; (this is the title of a very interesting book). He may say that he is also in love with you and may even ask you to marry him like my boyfriend did but the relationship will be one with challenge and dsperate desire for appreciation and a return for all you/me have done. So honestly I have to confess that I don't see my self being strong enough to step away from this mess but I suggest you do before it is late...
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